簡單英語爆笑笑話

　　下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的簡單英語爆笑笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：兩顆番茄

　　he first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"

　　兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問：“我們要去哪里?” 第一顆番茄沒有回答，第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄還沒回答，所以第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄終于慢慢轉(zhuǎn)頭說：“我們不是番茄嗎?我們會(huì)說話嗎?”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：相同的職責(zé)

　　The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

　　相同的職責(zé)一個(gè)退休的四星級(jí)將軍在曼哈頓的一個(gè)酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤務(wù)兵，勤務(wù)兵也退休在家。這位將軍花了一整個(gè)晚上的時(shí)間來說服他回來做他的貼身隨從。“你的職責(zé)與在軍隊(duì)時(shí)完全一樣，”將軍說，“這沒什么，你很快就會(huì)再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八點(diǎn)鐘時(shí)，前勤務(wù)兵迅速地進(jìn)到前將軍的臥室，拉開窗簾，輕輕地?fù)u了搖將軍，然后大步走到床的另一側(cè)，在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下，說道：“好了，甜心，你該回到村莊去了。”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：你爺爺

　　A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."

　　一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進(jìn)飯店就大聲嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜盡管端上來，錢多少我不在乎。”服務(wù)員聽了很不是滋味：“哥兒們，錢多頂個(gè)屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒：“誰敢占老子的便宜?你說，是誰不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子?”服務(wù)員慢條斯理地答道：“你爺爺!”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：她要買什么

　　A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon.Horrified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's coming.Now what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk.

　　一個(gè)商店經(jīng)理聽見一個(gè)店員對(duì)顧客說：不，夫人，這會(huì)兒沒有，一時(shí)半會(huì)兒看來也不會(huì)有。經(jīng)理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：當(dāng)然，馬上就會(huì)有的。我們上周訂了貨。然后經(jīng)理把店員拉到一邊：千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什么，說我們已經(jīng)訂了貨，貨馬上就到?，F(xiàn)在你說她要買什么? 雨，店員說。

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：現(xiàn)在幾點(diǎn)了

　　The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."

　　"How will that help?" said the second boy.

　　"Just do it," insisted the first.

　　Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

　　兩個(gè)男孩子在后院露營，他們不知道到了晚上幾點(diǎn)鐘。于是，一個(gè)男孩對(duì)另外一個(gè)說：“我們開始大聲唱歌就行了。”

　　“那就會(huì)知道時(shí)間嗎?”第二個(gè)男孩問。

　　“只管唱吧。”第一個(gè)堅(jiān)持道。

　　兩個(gè)孩子開始大聲唱歌，過了一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)鄰居打開窗戶喊道：“小聲點(diǎn)!你們不知道現(xiàn)在是凌晨三點(diǎn)嗎?”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：是我把他晾干

　　Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

　　When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.

　　"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."

　　Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

　　Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他們沿著醫(yī)院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區(qū)，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潛到水底，把Jim拉了上來。

　　當(dāng)院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為后，他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進(jìn)了自己的辦公室.

　　“Mary，我有一個(gè)好消息和一個(gè)壞消息要告訴你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，這說明你的意識(shí)已經(jīng)恢復(fù)了，你可以出院了。壞消息就是，Jim，你救的那個(gè)病人，他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”

　　Mary說：“他沒有自殺，是我把他吊起來好讓他晾干。”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：停止打你老婆

　　This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent's witnesses.

　　One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.

　　“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!”

　　“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness.

　　“There are not!” snapped the lawyer.

　　“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：Have you ceased beating your wife?”

　　這個(gè)故事講的是一個(gè)咄咄逼人的辯護(hù)律師，他慣于盡量去恐嚇對(duì)方的證人。

　　有一個(gè)證人有點(diǎn)傾向于在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。

　　“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辯護(hù)律師怒喝道： “你沒有必要就這個(gè)問題進(jìn)行爭論。”

　　“可是有些問題無法用‘是’或者‘不是’來回答。”這位證人溫和地回敬他。

　　“不存在這樣的問題!”律師厲聲打斷他。

　　“噢，”證人說：“那么請(qǐng)你回答這個(gè)問題：你停止打你老婆了嗎?”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：奇怪的關(guān)系

　　Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

　　四個(gè)好朋友在醫(yī)院里碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產(chǎn).護(hù)士過來對(duì)第一個(gè)男人說:"恭喜,你得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達(dá)雙子隊(duì)的經(jīng)理."過了一會(huì)兒,護(hù)士過來對(duì)第二個(gè)男人說:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,護(hù)士跑來對(duì)第三個(gè)男人說:"恭喜,你得了2對(duì)雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們?nèi)齻€(gè)都很高興,但第四個(gè)伙伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝并用頭撞墻.他們問他有什么不對(duì)勁,他回答道:"什么不對(duì)勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：一分鐘一百萬

　　A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second."

　　一男子進(jìn)入教堂和上帝對(duì)話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對(duì)你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請(qǐng)求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：媽媽在砸瓶子

　　A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

　　一個(gè)婦人正在使勁打開番茄醬的瓶子。這時(shí)，電話鈴響了，她叫四歲的女兒去接電話。小孩說：“媽媽現(xiàn)在不能接電話，她在砸瓶子。”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：The Nice Wedding Gift

　　We attended the wedding of an acquaintance's son. Because we did not know the young man or his bride, we decided to send them a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher. Apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because we received a card saying: "Thank you very much for the nice wedding gift. We look forward to using it soon.

　　我們參加了一個(gè)熟人的兒子的婚禮。由于我們都不認(rèn)識(shí)那個(gè)年輕人和他的新娘，所以我們決定送給他們一個(gè)實(shí)用的全家禮----一個(gè)滅火器。很明顯，這對(duì)新人大批量制作了他們的感謝信，因?yàn)槲覀兪盏搅艘粡埧ㄆ厦鎸懼?ldquo;非常感謝您的漂亮的結(jié)婚禮物，我們期待著不久就用到它。”

　　簡單英語爆笑笑話：The Use of a Handsaw

　　At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.

　　Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.

　　Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.

　　The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.

　　在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個(gè)手鋸。我們返回汽車時(shí)剛好路過一家牛排店。 “我們嘗嘗吧，”我妻子建議說。盡管我覺得拿著鋸有點(diǎn)傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進(jìn)去。 我妻子掃視了一下菜單對(duì)女招待說：“請(qǐng)給我來一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉(zhuǎn)向我，看了看我的鋸，說道：“我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”