生活哲理文章:如何平衡婆媳關(guān)系

　　摘錄:妻子和母親之間的緊張關(guān)系──還有他夾在中間的左右為難──已經(jīng)對(duì)三人間的關(guān)系產(chǎn)生了負(fù)面影響。他母親批評(píng)他妻子撫育孩子的方式，并且不滿她賦閑在家。妻子就向他哭訴和抱怨。面對(duì)這兩個(gè)女人，他選擇了逃避。

　　生活哲理文章:如何平衡婆媳關(guān)系

　　Jim Brown knew he was in trouble before his mother finished asking the question. 'Am I a better cook than your wife?' she asked, calmly stirring a pot on the stove in her kitchen.

　　With his wife, Joy, standing next to him, Mr. Brown stammered and stuttered. He prayed -- 'for a trap door to appear,' he says. Finally, he did the only thing he could think to do: Tell the truth. 'I said that my wife is a better cook,' the 50-year-old owner of a Duncanville, Texas, auto-repair shop says.

　　母親還未問(wèn)完這個(gè)問(wèn)題，吉姆·布朗(Jim Brown)就知道自己麻煩來(lái)了。“我的廚藝是不是比你妻子的更好?”母親在廚房里一邊平靜地?cái)嚢柚鵂t灶上鍋里的食物，一邊問(wèn)道。

　　吉姆支支吾吾不愿回答，因?yàn)楫?dāng)時(shí)妻子喬伊(Joy)就站在旁邊。他說(shuō)當(dāng)時(shí)自己祈禱著“地上能出現(xiàn)一道縫”。最終，他做了當(dāng)時(shí)他能想到的唯一一件事：實(shí)話實(shí)說(shuō)。他說(shuō)：“我當(dāng)時(shí)答道妻子的廚藝更好。”現(xiàn)年50歲的吉姆是得克薩斯州鄧肯維爾(Duncanville)一家汽修店的老板。

　　The fallout? 'Biblical,' he says. 'There was wailing. Gnashing of teeth.' Even his wife got mad -- telling him that he had been insensitive to his mother.

　　結(jié)果呢?他說(shuō)：“糟糕透頂。母親氣得咬牙切齒，并對(duì)我大聲數(shù)落。”甚至連妻子都非常生氣，說(shuō)他不顧母親的感受。

　　Sadly, the scene wasn't new to the Browns, who had been married seven years. The strain between his wife and his mother -- and his position, stuck in the middle -- was taking a toll on all three relationships. His mom criticized his wife for her parenting style and for not getting a job. His wife cried and complained to him. He retreated from both women.

　　可悲的是，這種場(chǎng)景對(duì)當(dāng)時(shí)結(jié)婚七年的布朗夫婦來(lái)說(shuō)并不新鮮。妻子和母親之間的緊張關(guān)系──還有他夾在中間的左右為難──已經(jīng)對(duì)三人間的關(guān)系產(chǎn)生了負(fù)面影響。他母親批評(píng)他妻子撫育孩子的方式，并且不滿她賦閑在家。妻子就向他哭訴和抱怨。面對(duì)這兩個(gè)女人，他選擇了逃避。

　　'I am a guy and not that intuitive, and I didn't really understand either one,' he says. 'My inclination was to go mow the grass.' Over the next couple years, the Browns kept trying to make the triangle work -- until the conflict reached a crisis point and then took an unexpected turn.

　　他說(shuō)：“我是個(gè)男人，直覺(jué)也不那么靈敏。這兩個(gè)女人，我簡(jiǎn)直一個(gè)都搞不懂。遇到這種事情，我就想出去割草。”接下來(lái)的兩年，布朗夫婦一直竭力維持著這個(gè)三角關(guān)系──直到?jīng)_突觸及危機(jī)點(diǎn)，并來(lái)了個(gè)意料之外的轉(zhuǎn)折。

　　Few family relationships are more fraught than the ones between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and the man caught between them. It has been fodder for comedy in movies and on TV forever, yet each generation seems to have to learn for itself how to make this triangle work.

　　很少有家庭關(guān)系比婆婆、媳婦以及被夾在中間的男人之間的關(guān)系更令人頭疼了。雖然它一直是喜劇類電影和電視劇永恒的題材，但似乎每一代人都不得不自己學(xué)習(xí)如何讓這種三角關(guān)系維持下去。

　　Mothers really do worry more when sons marry than when daughters marry, according to unpublished research conducted by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart, assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. She asked 89 mothers-in-law what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centered on the son's relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?

　　根據(jù)威斯康辛大學(xué)史蒂文斯波恩特分校(University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point)傳播學(xué)助理教授西爾維婭·米庫(kù)茨基-埃尼亞特(Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart)一項(xiàng)尚未發(fā)表論文的研究，娶兒媳比嫁女兒更讓母親擔(dān)心。她詢問(wèn)了89名婆婆和岳母，孩子結(jié)婚她們最擔(dān)心什么。這些人絕大多數(shù)都表示，如果是兒子結(jié)婚，她們會(huì)感到更加不確定、不安心。這種不安集中在兒子與父母以及自己小家庭的關(guān)系上。他會(huì)比以前少來(lái)看望我們或者少打電話嗎?他會(huì)和家人一起共度假期嗎?

　　The mothers also reported worrying about their son's well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: 'He's no longer reliable, due to his wife's interference.' 'His interests have changed dramatically.' 'Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook.' 'Is he happy?'

　　母親們還稱，她們擔(dān)心兒子的幸福，以及婚姻和妻子是否會(huì)改變他。一些具體的擔(dān)心包括：“因?yàn)槠拮痈缮妫兊貌辉倏尚刨嚒?rdquo;“他的興趣愛(ài)好發(fā)生了戲劇性的改變。”“他吃飽了嗎?我兒媳可不是個(gè)好廚子。”“他快樂(lè)嗎?”

　　Dr. Mikucki-Enyart also studied 133 daughters-in-law, eliciting their concerns about the women who raised their husbands. 'Is my mother-in-law getting too involved in my life?' 'What is her ability to take financial care of herself?' 'What does she say about me when I am not around?'

　　米庫(kù)茨基-埃尼亞特博士還調(diào)查了133名兒媳，讓她們談?wù)摿藢?duì)于撫養(yǎng)其丈夫長(zhǎng)大的那個(gè)女人的擔(dān)憂。“我婆婆會(huì)不會(huì)太干涉我的生活?”“她在經(jīng)濟(jì)上照顧自己的能力怎樣?”“當(dāng)我不在的時(shí)候，她是怎么說(shuō)我的?”

　　'We expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. As a result, the two women may tread carefully around each other from the start, reacting defensively and eventually becoming distant. 'It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,' she says.

　　米庫(kù)茨基-埃尼亞特博士說(shuō)：“很可能兒媳會(huì)不怎么喜歡婆婆，并且覺(jué)得她會(huì)多管閑事。”結(jié)果，這兩個(gè)女人可能一開(kāi)始相處就小心翼翼，采取防御姿態(tài)，最終漸行漸遠(yuǎn)。她說(shuō)：“這已經(jīng)變成了一種自證預(yù)言。”

　　In a way, both mother and wife are competing to nurture the man. Loading the relationship even more is women's traditional role as what researchers call 'kin keepers' who maintain the family social calendar, relationships and traditions.

　　從某種方式上來(lái)說(shuō)，母親和妻子都在爭(zhēng)著養(yǎng)育這個(gè)男人。讓這種關(guān)系雪上加霜的是被研究人員稱作“家庭關(guān)系維護(hù)者”的女性傳統(tǒng)角色，該角色負(fù)責(zé)管理家庭社交日程，維護(hù)家庭關(guān)系和傳統(tǒng)。

　　There is uncertainty on both sides. Mothers- and daughters-in-law are supposed to be family, yet they don't know each other well. What to call each other? How much to share? There is no script.

　　兩邊都存在不確定性。婆婆和媳婦雖說(shuō)理應(yīng)是一家人，但雙方并不怎么熟悉。如何稱呼對(duì)方?應(yīng)該與對(duì)方分享多少?都沒(méi)有腳本。

　　The uncertainty itself can lead to jealousy, anger or sadness. The more uncertainty there is, the more each woman is likely to keep the other at arm's length. This can destabilize the marriage: When his mother and his wife are battling, a man's self-preservation instinct tells him to hide.

　　這種不確定本身就可能導(dǎo)致嫉妒、憤怒或傷心。不確定性越強(qiáng)，兩個(gè)女人越可能相互保持距離。而這可能會(huì)破壞婚姻的穩(wěn)定：當(dāng)母親和妻子開(kāi)戰(zhàn)，男人自我保護(hù)的本能會(huì)告訴他能躲多遠(yuǎn)是多遠(yuǎn)。

　　How can families break the pattern? It's really up to the husband/son, Dr. Mikucki-Enyart says. 'He needs to step up to the plate,' she says. 'He has to make his wife his priority and let that be known.'

　　如何才能打破這一模式?米庫(kù)茨基-埃尼亞特博士說(shuō)，關(guān)鍵在丈夫/兒子身上。她說(shuō)：“他必須出面。他必須把妻子放在首位，并且讓大家知道這一點(diǎn)。”

　　If his mother often drops by unannounced and this bothers his wife, the husband needs to ask his mother to call first. He doesn't need to tell her that it upsets his wife.

　　如果他的母親經(jīng)常出其不意地造訪，讓妻子感到困擾，做丈夫的需要和母親說(shuō)，來(lái)之前請(qǐng)先打電話。他不需要告訴母親說(shuō)這件事困擾到了他妻子。

　　'A mother is more likely to respond to her son's request than her daughter-in-law's,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart.

　　米庫(kù)茨基-埃尼亞特博士說(shuō)：“母親更容易對(duì)兒子而不是兒媳的要求做出回應(yīng)。”

　　Daughters-in-law can do their part by keeping their mother-in-law involved in the family. Invite them to dinner. Send photos of the children. And pick your battles.

　　媳婦也可以發(fā)揮她們的作用，讓婆婆參與到家庭中來(lái)。邀請(qǐng)她們一起吃晚餐。給她們發(fā)送孩子們的照片。有些事情學(xué)會(huì)睜一只眼閉一只眼。

　　'Don't make it a competition,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. 'You both love this man in completely different ways.'

　　米庫(kù)茨基-埃尼亞特博士說(shuō)：“別讓它成為一種競(jìng)爭(zhēng)。你們都愛(ài)這個(gè)男人，只是采取的方式不同。”

　　The couple should always present a united front, she says. Remember that you are a team. Don't throw each other under the bus. Parents expect that united front, she says, even though it may be a little hard for them to get used to at first.

　　她說(shuō)，夫婦必須永遠(yuǎn)站在同一戰(zhàn)線上。記住，你們是一個(gè)團(tuán)隊(duì)。別把對(duì)方往火坑里推。她說(shuō)，父母對(duì)你們會(huì)共同進(jìn)退這一點(diǎn)是有心理準(zhǔn)備的，盡管一開(kāi)始他們可能會(huì)有些難以接受。

　　The tension between mother- and daughter-in-law started about a year into the Browns' marriage, when Ms. Brown got pregnant and her mother-in-law suddenly seemed to know everything. Ms. Brown tried to politely ignore her mother-in-law, but every once in a while she would tell the older woman she was wrong. Her mother-in-law would cry and storm off, and Ms. Brown would end up apologizing.

　　布朗夫婦結(jié)婚一年左右的時(shí)候，婆媳之間的關(guān)系就開(kāi)始變得緊張。當(dāng)時(shí)喬伊懷孕了，而她婆婆似乎突然變得無(wú)所不知。喬伊試著禮貌地對(duì)她視而不見(jiàn)，但偶爾會(huì)對(duì)老太太說(shuō)她錯(cuò)了。婆婆會(huì)大哭并氣沖沖地離開(kāi)，最后喬伊不得不道歉了事。

　　'I felt like there was no winning, like we were in a crazy dance,' says Ms. Brown, now 45 and a fifth-grade teacher.

　　喬伊說(shuō)：“我感覺(jué)這是兩敗俱傷，好像我們是在跳一場(chǎng)瘋狂的舞蹈。”現(xiàn)年45歲的喬伊是一名五年級(jí)的老師。

　　So, mostly, Ms. Brown complained to her husband -- and, mostly, he did nothing. 'It didn't occur to me to contradict my mom,' he says.

　　于是，大部分時(shí)候喬伊只好向丈夫抱怨。但，大部分時(shí)候，他什么也不做。他說(shuō)：“我從來(lái)沒(méi)有想過(guò)要去駁斥我母親。”

　　Making matters worse: Mr. Brown sometimes sometimes discussed problems in his marriage with his mom. 'She would commiserate, I think, to feel close to me,' he says. 'And it increased my feelings of being slighted by my wife.'

　　更糟糕的是：吉姆有時(shí)會(huì)和他母親討論他婚姻中的問(wèn)題。他說(shuō)：“她會(huì)表示同情，我想，這讓她感覺(jué)離我更近。這更讓我覺(jué)得自己受到了妻子的怠慢。”

　　Mr. Brown retreated into work. He and his wife began living parallel lives, and eventually he asked for a divorce. But after they told his mother the news, she seemed to back off. Betty Wade, now 72, says she doesn't remember that her relationship with her daughter-in-law was tense or a factor in the couple's divorce discussion. 'Just because he got married didn't make him less my son, but I knew he had to spend his attention on the other lady,' she says.

　　吉姆借工作逃避。他和妻子開(kāi)始過(guò)著平行線般的生活，最終他提出了離婚。但在他們將這一決定告訴母親后，她似乎讓步了。現(xiàn)年72歲的貝蒂·韋德(Betty Wade)說(shuō)，她不記得自己曾經(jīng)和兒媳關(guān)系緊張，也不覺(jué)得這是導(dǎo)致夫婦倆商討離婚的因素之一。她說(shuō)：“雖然他結(jié)了婚，但依然是我的兒子;不過(guò)我也知道，他必須要去關(guān)心另外那位女士。”

　　The space gave the couple a chance to work on their relationship. They sought advice from counselors at their church and went to a marriage therapist. They read self-help books and prayed together. And they stayed married.

　　貝蒂的讓步為夫婦倆改善彼此的關(guān)系提供了一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)。他們向所在教區(qū)的顧問(wèn)尋求建議，并且去求助了婚姻咨詢師。他們閱讀自助書(shū)籍，還一起祈禱。他們的婚姻也得以維系了下來(lái)。

　　'It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears,' Mr. Brown says. 'But I had learned to come to grips with the idea that I had to place my priorities with my wife first.'

　　吉姆說(shuō)：“這就是一部血淚史。但我學(xué)會(huì)了要牢牢記住一點(diǎn)，就是必須把妻子擺在首位。”