TED英語演講：一個人有朋友就不算失敗
在《頭號玩家》中其中一個反派即將失敗的時候，說了一句這樣的話：一個人有朋友就不算失敗A man with a friend is not failed.在中國也有一句俗語“多個朋友多條路“你認(rèn)識了更多層面的人，他們帶給你的不僅僅是更廣的視野，也會使你的人生增加更多的可能性。不要把自己封閉起來，嘗試走出去，把自己的人際圈經(jīng)營得更加豐富多彩，這樣可能給你帶來意想不到的靈感和收獲。下面是小編為大家收集關(guān)于TED英語演講：一個人有朋友就不算失敗，歡迎借鑒參考。
A man with a friend is not failed!
演說者：Tanya Menon
演講稿
I started teaching MBA students 17 yearsago. Sometimes I run into my students years later. And when I run into them, afunny thing happens. I don't remember just their faces; I also remember whereexactly in the classroom they were sitting. And I remember who they weresitting with as well. This is not because I have any special superpowers of memory. The reason I can remember them is because they are creatures of habit.They are sitting with their favorite people in their favorite seats. They findtheir twins, they stay with them for the whole year.
我教企業(yè)管理碩士學(xué)生有十七年的時間。有時，我會在幾年后巧遇我的學(xué)生。當(dāng)我巧遇他們時，會發(fā)生一件有趣的事。我不只記得他們的臉，我還記得他們在教室中是坐在哪個位置，以及和誰坐在一起。我能記住這些，不是因為我有記憶超能力。是因為他們是習(xí)慣性的生物。他們會和最喜歡的人一起坐，坐在他們最喜歡的座位，找和自己極相似的人，一整年都和這些人待在一起。
Now, the danger of this for my students isthey're at risk of leaving the university with just a few people who areexactly like them. They're going to squander their chance for an international,diverse network. How could this happen to them? My students are open-minded.They come to business school precisely so that they can get great networks.
這情況對我的學(xué)生的危險之處在于他們擔(dān)當(dāng)?shù)娘L(fēng)險是只和極少數(shù)與自身非常相像的人一起離開大學(xué)，他們將會浪費掉國際性、多元化網(wǎng)絡(luò)的機(jī)會。他們怎么會發(fā)生這種事?我的學(xué)生是心胸開放的。他們來到商學(xué)院為的正是能取得很好的網(wǎng)絡(luò)。
Now, all of us socially narrow in ourlives, in our school, in work, and so I want you to think about this one. Howmany of you here brought a friend along for this talk? I want you to look atyour friend a little bit. Are they of the same nationality as you? Are they ofthe same gender as you? Are they of the same race? Really look at them closely.Don't they kind of look like you as well?
我們所有人在生活上、在學(xué)校、在工作中的社交都是狹窄的，所以，我希望你們能想想這一點。在座有多少人，帶了朋友一起來聽這場演講?我希望你們能看一下你們的朋友。他們的國籍和你相同嗎?他們的性別和你相同嗎?他們的種族相同嗎?真正去近看他們。他們是不是看起來也和你很像?
The muscle people are together, and thepeople with the same hairstyles and the checked shirts.
肌肉發(fā)達(dá)的人在一起，還有發(fā)型相同的人，都穿格子上衣的人。
We all do this in life. We all do it inlife, and in fact, there's nothing wrong with this. It makes us comfortable tobe around people who are similar. The problem is when we're on a precipice,right? When we're in trouble, when we need new ideas, when we need new jobs,when we need new resources -- this is when we really pay a price for living ina clique.
我們在人生中都會這么做。我們在人生中都會這么做，事實上，這并沒有什么不好。和相似的人在一起讓我們感到舒服。當(dāng)我們在危急處境中時才會有問題，對嗎?當(dāng)我們有麻煩時，需要新點子時，需要新工作時，需要新資源時──這時，身在小團(tuán)體中，就會要付出代價。
Mark Granovetter, the sociologist, had afamous paper "The Strength of Weak Ties," and what he did in thispaper is he asked people how they got their jobs. And what he learned was thatmost people don't get their jobs through their strong ties -- their father,their mother, their significant other. They instead get jobs through weak ties,people who they just met.
社會學(xué)家馬克格蘭諾維特有一篇著名的論文，叫「弱連結(jié)的力量」，他在這篇論文中做的是去問人們他們?nèi)绾蔚玫剿麄兊墓ぷ?。他發(fā)現(xiàn)大部分的人不是從他們的強(qiáng)連結(jié)──父親、母親、另一半──得到工作，而是從弱連結(jié)──剛認(rèn)識的人──得到工作。
So if you think about what the problem is with yourstrong ties, think about your significant other, for example. The network isredundant. Everybody that they know, you know. Or I hope you know them. Right?Your weak ties -- people you just met today -- they are your ticket to a wholenew social world.
所以，如果你要思考強(qiáng)連結(jié)的問題在哪，想想比如你的另一半。這網(wǎng)絡(luò)是多余的。他們認(rèn)識的人，你也都認(rèn)識。我希望你認(rèn)識他們，對吧?你的弱連結(jié)──你今天才認(rèn)識的人──他們是讓你通往全新社交世界的門票。
The thing is that we have this amazingticket to travel our social worlds, but we don't use it very well. Sometimes westay awfully close to home. And today, what I want to talk about is: What arethose habits that keep human beings so close to home, and how can we be alittle bit more intentional about traveling our social universe?
問題是，我們有這張很棒的門票，可以遨游我們的社交世界，但我們沒有好好用它。有時，我們待在離家非常近的地方。今天，我想要談的是這個：是什么習(xí)慣讓人類持續(xù)待在離家近的地方，以及我們要如何更刻意一點去游遍我們的社交宇宙?
So let's look at the first strategy. Thefirst strategy is to use a more imperfect social search engine. What I mean bya social search engine is how you are finding and filtering your friends. Andso people always tell me, "I want to get lucky through the network. I wantto get a new job. I want to get a great opportunity."
讓我們先來談第一條策略。第一條策略是要用更多不完美的社交搜索引擎。我所謂的社交搜索引擎是你如何找到和篩選你的朋友。人們總是告訴我：「我想要透過網(wǎng)絡(luò)來走運。我想要找份新工作。我想要有很好的機(jī)會?！?/p>
And I say,"Well, that's really hard, because your networks are so fundamentallypredictable." Map out your habitual daily footpath, and what you'llprobably discover is that you start at home, you go to your school or yourworkplace, you maybe go up the same staircase or elevator, you go to thebathroom -- the same bathroom -- and the same stall in that bathroom, you endup in the gym, then you come right back home.
我說：「嗯，那真的很難，因為你的網(wǎng)絡(luò)基本上是非?？深A(yù)測的?！巩嫵瞿懔?xí)慣的日常路徑，你很可能會發(fā)現(xiàn)，你從家里開始，你去上學(xué)或上班，你可能會從同樣的樓梯或電梯上樓，你去廁所，同一間廁所，用那廁所的同一隔間，你最后到了健身房，然后你就回家了。
It's like stops on a trains chedule. It's that predictable. It's efficient, but the problem is, you'reseeing exactly the same people. Make your network slightly more inefficient. Goto a bathroom on a different floor. You encounter a whole new network ofpeople.
就像火車靠站時刻表一樣。就是那么可預(yù)測。它很有效率，但問題是，你遇見的人都一樣。讓你的網(wǎng)絡(luò)稍微不要那么有效率。去不同樓層的廁所。你會遇到一個全新的人脈網(wǎng)絡(luò)。
The other side of it is how we are actuallyfiltering. And we do this automatically. The minute we meet someone, we arelooking at them, we meet them, we are initially seeing, "You'reinteresting." "You're not interesting." "You're relevant."We do this automatically. We can't even help it. And what I want to encourageyou to do instead is to fight your filters. I want you to take a look aroundthis room, and I want you to identify the least interesting person that yousee, and I want you to connect with them over the next coffee break. And I wantyou to go even further than that. What I want you to do is find the mostirritating person you see as well and connect with them.
它的另一面，是我們實際上做篩選的方式。我們會自動篩選。在我們見到一個人時，我們會看他們，見到他們，我們一開始就會看到：「你很有趣?！埂改悴挥腥??！埂改愫苤匾?。」我們會自動做這件事。我們無法控制。我想要鼓勵各位做的是，對抗你的篩選器。我希望你們能環(huán)視一下這間房間，我希望你們找出你所看見最無趣的人，我希望你們能在下次休息時間去和他們做連結(jié)。我希望你們還能做更多。我也希望你們能去找到你們所看見最惱人的人，去與他們做連結(jié)。
What you are doing with this exercise isyou are forcing yourself to see what you don't want to see, to connect with whoyou don't want to connect with, to widen your social world. To truly widen,what we have to do is, we've got to fight our sense of choice. We've got tofight our choices. And my students hate this, but you know what I do?
做這項練習(xí)的目的是要強(qiáng)迫你自己去看見你不想看見的，去和你不想連結(jié)的人連結(jié)，去拓寬你的社交世界。要真正拓寬，我們得要做的是，我們得要對抗我們對選擇的感受。我們得要對抗我們的選擇。我的學(xué)生很討厭這樣，但猜猜我怎么做?
I won'tlet them sit in their favorite seats. I move them around from seat to seat. Iforce them to work with different people so there are more accidental bumps inthe network where people get a chance to connect with each other. And westudied exactly this kind of an intervention at Harvard University.
我不讓他們坐在他們最愛的位子。我讓他們一直換位子坐。我強(qiáng)迫他們?nèi)ズ筒煌娜撕献?，在網(wǎng)絡(luò)中就會有更意外的顛簸起伏，讓人們有機(jī)會可以彼此連結(jié)。我們在哈佛大學(xué)就是在研究這種干預(yù)方法。
At Harvard,when you look at the rooming groups, there's freshman rooming groups, peopleare not choosing those roommates. They're of all different races, all differentethnicities. Maybe people are initially uncomfortable with those roommates, butthe amazing thing is, at the end of a year with those students, they're able toovercome that initial discomfort. They're able to find deep-level commonalitieswith people.
在哈佛，如果去看住宿的團(tuán)體，會有新鮮人住宿團(tuán)體，人們不選擇室友。他們都是不同的種族、不同的人種。許多人一開始對自己的室友感到不舒服，但，讓人驚奇的是，在年末，那些學(xué)生能夠克服一開始的不舒服。他們能在人身上找到更深層的共同性。
So the takeaway here is not just "takesomeone out to coffee." It's a little more subtle. It's "go to thecoffee room." When researchers talk about social hubs, what makes a socialhub so special is you can't choose; you can't predict who you're going to meetin that place. And so with these social hubs, the paradox is, interestinglyenough, to get randomness, it requires, actually, some planning.
這里要給各位的訊息不只是「找人出去喝杯咖啡」。還要更微妙一點。是「去咖啡廳」。當(dāng)研究者談?wù)撋缃恢行臅r ，社交中心之所以特別，就是因為你無法選擇;你無法預(yù)測你在那個地方會遇見誰。關(guān)于這些社交中心，有趣的是一個矛盾：若要有隨機(jī)性，需要的其實是規(guī)劃。
In one university that I worked at, there was a mail room on every single floor. Whatthat meant is that the only people who would bump into each other are those whoare actually on that floor and who are bumping into each other anyway. At another university I worked at, there was only one mail room, so all the faculty from all over that building would run into each other in that social hub.A simple change in planning, a huge difference in the traffic of people and theaccidental bumps in the network.
在我工作的其中一間大學(xué)，在每層樓都有一間收發(fā)室。那就意味著，會巧遇到的人都只有在同一層樓的人，而他們本來就會遇見彼此。在我工作的另一間大學(xué)，只有一間收發(fā)室，所以整棟大樓所有的教職員就會在那社交中心巧遇彼此。在規(guī)劃上做個簡單的改變，就能對人的交流及網(wǎng)絡(luò)中的意外巧遇造成很大的不同。
Here's my question for you: What are youdoing that breaks you from your social habits? Where do you find yourself inplaces where you get injections of unpredictable diversity? And my studentsgive me some wonderful examples. They tell me when they're doing pickupbasketball games, or my favorite example is when they go to a dog park. Theytell me it's even better than online dating when they're there.
我想要問各位的問題是：你能做什么，來讓你脫離你的社交習(xí)慣?你在什么地方能夠被注入無法預(yù)測的多樣性?我的學(xué)生給了我一些很棒的例子。他們告訴我：在比賽籃球時，和我最愛的例子──去公園遛狗時。他們告訴我，在那里甚至比在線約會還要更好。
So the real thing that I want you to thinkabout is we've got to fight our filters. We've got to make ourselves a littlemore inefficient, and by doing so, we are creating a more imprecise socialsearch engine. And you're creating that randomness, that luck that is going tocause you to widen your travels, through your social universe.
我真正希望各位去思考，我們得要對抗我們的篩選器。我們得要讓自己不那么有效率，這么做時，我們就是在創(chuàng)造一個不那么精準(zhǔn)的社交搜索引擎。你是在創(chuàng)造隨機(jī)性，它就是運氣，能拓展你在社交宇宙中所旅行的范圍。
But in fact, there's more to it than that.Sometimes we actually buy ourselves a second-class ticket to travel our socialuniverse. We are not courageous when we reach out to people. Let me give you anexample of that. A few years ago, I had a very eventful year. That year, Imanaged to lose a job, I managed to get a dream job overseas and accept it, Ihad a baby the next month, I got very sick, I was unable to take the dream job.
但，事實上，不只是如此。有時，我們真的會買到二等艙的票，在我們的社交宇宙中旅行。當(dāng)我們接觸別人時，我們不夠勇敢。讓我舉個例子。幾年前，我有一年遇到非常多事。那一年，我失去了一個工作，在海外得到了一個夢想的工作，且我接受了，再下一個月我生了孩子，我病得非常重，我無法去接那份夢想的工作。
And so in a few weeks, what ended up happening was, I lost my identity as afaculty member, and I got a very stressful new identity as a mother. What Ialso got was tons of advice from people. And the advice I despised more thanany other advice was, "You've got to go network with everybody." Whenyour psychological world is breaking down, the hardest thing to do is to tryand reach out and build up your social world.
所以，在僅僅幾周，最后發(fā)生的結(jié)果是，我失去了教職員的身份，我得了到一個非常有壓力的新身份：母親。我還得到了人們給的一大堆意見。在所有意見中，我最鄙視的一則是：「你得要去和大家建立網(wǎng)絡(luò)?！巩?dāng)你的精神世界在崩壞時，最困難的事就是試著向外伸出手，建立你的社交世界。
And so we studied exactly this idea on amuch larger scale. What we did was we looked at high and low socioeconomicstatus people, and we looked at them in two situations. We looked at them firstin a baseline condition, when they were quite comfortable. And what we foundwas that our lower socioeconomic status people, when they were comfortable,were actually reaching out to more people. They thought of more people.
所以，我們更大規(guī)模地探究了這個想法。我們的做法是，我們?nèi)タ瓷鐣?jīng)濟(jì)地位高與低的人，我們在兩種情況下去看他們。我們先在基線條件下去看他們，也就是他們很舒適的時候。我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，社會經(jīng)濟(jì)地位較低的人在舒適的時候，其實比較會向外接觸更多的人。他們會去想更多的人。
Theywere also less constrained in how they were networking. They were thinking ofmore diverse people than the higher-status people. Then we asked them to thinkabout maybe losing a job. We threatened them. And once they thought about that,the networks they generated completely differed. The lower socioeconomic statuspeople reached inwards.
他們在建立網(wǎng)絡(luò)上比較沒有受限制。比起高社會經(jīng)濟(jì)地位的人，他們會去想更多樣化的人。接著，我們要他們?nèi)ハ胂罂赡苁スぷ鞯那闆r。我們威脅他們。一旦他們有那樣的想法，他們產(chǎn)生出的網(wǎng)絡(luò)就全然不同了。社會經(jīng)濟(jì)地位較低的人會向內(nèi)接觸人。
They thought of fewer people. They thought ofless-diverse people. The higher socioeconomic status people thought of morepeople, they thought of a broader network, they were positioning themselves tobounce back from that setback.
他們會去想的人比較少。他們會去想的人比較不多樣化。社會經(jīng)濟(jì)地位較高的人會去想比較多的人，他們會去想比較廣的網(wǎng)絡(luò)，他們會把自己放在受挫之后重整旗鼓的位置。
Let's consider what this actually means.Imagine that you were being spontaneously unfriended by everyone in yournetwork other than your mom, your dad and your dog.
讓我們來想想這到底是什么意思。想象一下，你被你網(wǎng)絡(luò)中的所有人都自發(fā)性地解除朋友關(guān)系，只剩下你的媽媽、爸爸，和你的狗。
This is essentially what we are doing atthese moments when we need our networks the most. Imagine -- this is what we'redoing. We're doing it to ourselves. We are mentally compressing our networkswhen we are being harassed, when we are being bullied, when we are threatenedabout losing a job, when we feel down and weak. We are closing ourselves off,isolating ourselves, creating a blind spot where we actually don't see ourresources. We don't see our allies, we don't see our opportunities.
基本上，這就是我們在最需要網(wǎng)絡(luò)的時刻所做的事。想象一下──這就是我們在做的，我們對自己做的事。我們在心理上壓縮我們的網(wǎng)絡(luò)，當(dāng)我們被騷擾時，當(dāng)我們被霸凌時，當(dāng)我們被威脅會失去工作時，當(dāng)我們感到消沉且軟弱時，就會發(fā)生。我們把自己封閉，把自己孤立，創(chuàng)造出一個盲點，讓我們看不見我們的資源?？床灰娢覀兊拿擞眩床灰娢覀兊臋C(jī)會。
How can we overcome this? Two simplestrategies. One strategy is simply to look at your list of Facebook friends andLinkedIn friends just so you remind yourself of people who are there beyondthose that automatically come to mind. And in our own research, one of thethings we did was, we considered Claude Steele's research on self-affirmation:simply thinking about your own values, networking from a place of strength.What Leigh Thompson, Hoon-Seok Choi and I were able to do is, we found thatpeople who had affirmed themselves first were able to take advice from peoplewho would otherwise be threatening to them.
我們要如何克服這狀況?有兩項簡單的策略。其一很簡單，就是去看你的臉書朋友名單，還有LinkedIn，讓你能夠提醒自己，除了自動出現(xiàn)在你腦海中的人之外，還有別人在。在我們自己的研究中，我們做的其中一件事是我們從自我肯定的角度來思考克勞德斯蒂爾的研究：只要想想你自己的價值，從一個有力量的地方建立網(wǎng)絡(luò)。邁克湯普森、崔勛石，和我一起做的是，我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，先肯定自己的人，能夠接受別人的意見，其他情況下，給意見者會被視為威脅。
Here's a last exercise. I want you to lookin your email in-box, and I want you to look at the last time you askedsomebody for a favor. And I want you to look at the language that you used. Didyou say things like, "Oh, you're a great resource," or "I oweyou one," "I'm obligated to you." All of this languagerepresents a metaphor. It's a metaphor of economics, of a balance sheet, ofaccounting, of transactions. And when we think about human relations in atransactional way, it is fundamentally uncomfortable to us as human beings. Wemust think about human relations and reaching out to people in more humaneways.
以下是最后一個練習(xí)。我希望各位去看看自己的電子郵件收件匣，找出最近一次你請別人幫忙是什么時候。請看看你所使用的表意方式。你是否有說這類的話：「你是很棒的資源。」或「我欠你一個人情?！埂肝覍δ阌辛x務(wù)?！顾羞@些表意方式背后都有一個象征。那象征就是經(jīng)濟(jì)、資產(chǎn)負(fù)債表、會計、交易。如果你用交易的方式來看待人際關(guān)系，對我們?nèi)祟惗裕瑥母旧暇蜁X得不舒服。我們應(yīng)該要用更人性的方式，來看待人際關(guān)系及向外去接觸人。
Here's an idea as to how to do so. Look atwords like "please," "thank you," "you'rewelcome" in other languages. Look at the literal translation of thesewords. Each of these words is a word that helps us impose upon other people inour social networks. And so, the word "thank you," if you look at itin Spanish, Italian, French, "gracias," "grazie,""merci" in French. Each of them are "grace" and"mercy." They are godly words. There's nothing economic or transactional about those words.
至于要怎么做，這里有個想法?？纯聪瘛刚垺埂ⅰ钢x謝你」、「不客氣」這些詞在其他語言怎么說?？纯催@些詞的字面翻譯。這每一個詞，都是在協(xié)助我們利用社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)中的其他人。所以，針對「謝謝你」這個詞，它們在西班牙文、意大利文、法文分別是「gracias」、「grazie」，以及「merci」。意思都是「優(yōu)雅」和「慈悲」。它們是虔誠的詞。這些詞沒有任何經(jīng)濟(jì)或交易的元素。
The word "you're welcome" isinteresting.The great persuasion theorist Robert Cialdini says we've got toget our favors back. So we need to emphasize the transaction a little bit more.He says, "Let's not say 'You're welcome.' Instead say, 'I know you'd dothe same for me.'" But sometimes it may be helpful to not think intransactional ways, to eliminate the transaction, to make it a little bit moreinvisible.
「不客氣」這個詞很有趣。偉大的說服理論學(xué)家羅伯特喬爾第尼說：我們得把人情要回來。所以我們得要多強(qiáng)調(diào)一點交易。他說：「讓我們別說『不客氣』」。改成「我知道換成你也會為我這么做?！沟?，有時，不用交易的方式來思考，可能會比較有幫助，把交易元素除去，讓它更不顯眼。
And in fact, if you look in Chinese, the word "bú kè qì"in Chinese, "You're welcome," means, "Don't be formal; we'refamily. We don't need to go through those formalities." And "kembali"in Indonesian is "Come back to me." When you say "You'rewelcome" next time, think about how you can maybe eliminate thetransaction and instead strengthen that social tie. Maybe "It's great tocollaborate," or "That's what friends are for."
事實上，如果看中文怎么說，「不客氣」在中文的意思是「別這么拘泥禮節(jié)，我們是一家人，不需要這些禮節(jié)形式?！乖谟《饶嵛鱽喺Z中「kembali」的意思是「回來我這里」。下次當(dāng)你要說「不客氣」時，想想看你可以如何除去一些交易元素，改成加強(qiáng)社交連結(jié)。也許說「能一起合作很棒」，或「朋友不就該如此嗎」。
I want you to think about how you thinkabout this ticket that you have to travel your social universe. Here's onemetaphor. It's a common metaphor: "Life is a journey." Right? It's atrain ride, and you're a passenger on the train, and there are certain peoplewith you. Certain people get on this train, and some stay with you, some leaveat different stops, new ones may enter. I love this metaphor, it's a beautifulone.
我希望各位能思考一下要怎么用你手上的這張票，在你的社交宇宙中旅行。以下是一個比喻。它是常見的比喻：「人生是一趟旅程?！箤Π?它是趟火車旅程，你是火車上的一名乘客，有些人和你在一起。有些人會搭上這臺火車，有些人會留下，有些人會在不同的站下車，可能有新乘客上車。我喜歡這個比喻，它很美麗。
But I want you to consider a different metaphor. This one is passive,being a passenger on that train, and it's quite linear. You're off to someparticular destination. Why not instead think of yourself as an atom, bumpingup against other atoms, maybe transferring energy with them, bonding with thema little and maybe creating something new on your travels through the socialuniverse.
但我希望各位能想想另一個比喻。身為火車乘客的這個比喻很被動，且它是很線性的。你要前往特定的目的地。為什么不改個方式，把你自己想成一個原子，和其他原子碰撞，也許和它們一起傳送能量，和它們結(jié)合一下，也許在你的社交宇宙中旅行時，創(chuàng)造出新東西來。
Thank you so much. And I hope we bump intoeach other again.(Applause)
非常謝謝。我希望我們有機(jī)會再次碰撞。(掌聲)
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